John McCain’s presidential campaign, still bitter over The New York Times refusal of his editorial on Iraq, is now making new accusations of media bias.  Last Friday’s Times featured a glowing review of the new Batman film, The Dark Knight, and McCain is apparently furious about it.  McCain told reporters Wednesday, “Of course the media is going to like something about a ‘dark’ knight.”

Some reporters in the crowd tried to explain to Mr. McCain that, in fact, comparing Mr. Obama to a dark knight might be seen as racist.  “I know what I read, ” replied McCain.  “You all love this guy.  He’s your white knight in shining armor.  You just had to change a word.”

He then went on a long rant about how throughout history the dark knight had been a sign of villainy and distrust.  “Haven’t any of you in the press ever seen Monty Python and the Holy Grail?  I suppose you would have liked if that dark knight had bit his ankles?”  McCain, however, stumbled and seem confused when mention was made of the Martin Lawrence comedy The Black Knight, and its flogging at the hands of critics.

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On Monday Democrat Representative Dennis Kucinich introduced a bill to the House to impeach Osama Bin Laden.  The bill, which currently features little support, calls for the terrorist leader to be impeached and thrown out as public enemy number one.

Reaction from the Internet was swift.  Blogs lit up with praise for, “Mr. Kucinich’s unwavering bravery.”  Others noted, “We need more people like him in Congress.  This war on terror would have been over years ago if we had simply impeached.”  Petitions have sprung up in support of the measure on a variety of sites.  One petition already included 5,000 signatures, with 127 of the names from people claiming to be John McCain.  No comment was available from either major presidential candidate.

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God appeared on Wednesday’s Oprah where He was asked some tough, hard hitting questions.  Oprah wanted to know why He let bad things happen, who would win American Idol, and what’s the deal with Senator Hillary Clinton not conceding defeat?  God said her stubbornness was reminiscent of a former friend of His.

“You know, Oprah, in many ways she reminds me of my old friend Lucifer.  Much like Clinton, there was a time when all of us in Heaven loved Lucifer.  Then he got a little too big for his britches, if you know what I mean.”

Oprah acknowledged that she knew all too well about becoming too big for one’s britches.

“So, anyway, we had our falling out, and he became ruler of the underworld and all that.  Then I dictated Revelation and all the world has accepted it but him!  You have no idea how hard I’ve tried, ” the Lord said.  “He keeps clamoring on about a soul here, or a sin there.  He’s real big on how only he can win the masses.  Meanwhile, he labels all the pious as elitists over the sinners.”

God later admitted in the interview that He was unsure of Reverend Wright’s intentions and compared him to Loki, the Norse god of mischief.

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Senator Barack Obama made headlines Tuesday for his speech on healing racial divides and addressing the comments made by his preacher. The Internet immediately lit up with swooning Democrats erupting into tears that he did no fail to mention to hope during his speech. Meanwhile, God had some concerns about the revelry.

Speaking with NPR, God noted that, “Racial separation is not something I ever intended. I find it incredibly sad that some white people refuse to sit by a black person, or a Jewish person. They do know what my son actually looked like, right? He went on in the interview to say that he enjoyed Obama’s speech, but had some issues.

“It’s great that people are so excited about their futures,” God said. “That’s why I went against my better judgment and gave you all free will. But I hope some folks remember this guy, you know, isn’t my son.” God concluded his comments saying he found the rligious devotion to Obama, “a little scary, and I’m old enough to remember the Romans.”

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Senator John McCain has added an NCAA Division I men’s basketball tournament contest to his campaign web site. Visitors to the site can fill out their own bracket and compete against the Arizona senator to see who has the best picks. Prizes of McCain 2008 merchandise are being awarded. Unfortunately, this leaves God in a bit of a bind.

Speaking with Tony Kornheiser and Mike Wilbon on ESPN’s Pardon the Interruption, God said he felt somewhat conflicted about the newest feature to McCain’s web site. “In one respect, ” the Lord said, “I’m supposed to support the Republicans because, well, they’re the party of values, right? On the other hand, can I really condone what amounts to gambling?”

McCain representatives were unable to be reached for a response. However, Senator Barack Obama did chime in on the tournament saying he had, “great hope that things will work out for my picks. I’m just audacious like that.” Senator Hillary Clinton was also unavailable for comment, though it is assumed she is pulling for Arkansas.

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Senator Barack Obama is not the only one unhappy with his minister. The Rev. Jeremiah Wright has been under much scrutiny this past week for comments he has made in the past, including some laying the blame for 9/11 at the feet of the United States. Now, God is also hoping to distance Himself from the minister.

Appearing on NBC’s Meet the Press, God said of the minister, “He isn’t my kind of people. Let’s be very clear on that.” Tim Russert pushed the Lord for more clarification. “Yes, I mean he is not with Me. I grow weary of being responsible for every not that takes up the cross. Just because it walks like a duck and sometimes talks like a duck doesn’t mean we’ll be having it for Thanksgiving dinner.” After a pause, God added, “Not that I would eat one of my own creatures for dinner. I’ll be having tofurkey.”

Wright came under fire particularly for the comments he made seven days after the 9/11 attacks. He said, “We have supported state terrorism against the Palestinians and black South Africans. And now we are indignant because the stuff we have done overseas is now brought right back to our own front yards. America’s chickens are coming home to roost.” Senator Obama has released Wright from his African American Religious Leadership Committee advisory positon. Wright had previously married Senator Obama to his wife Michelle, and baptized their two daughters.

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Senator Barack Obama may seem blessed by many, but he received another blessing earlier today. While appearing on a segment of The View, God admitted that even He had a bit of a “schoolgirl crush” on the Illinois Senator. Whoopi Goldberg proceeded to give the Lord a high-five.

The comment came after host Barbara Walters joked that many Obama supporters seemed to not just be infatuated with the presidential candidate, but actually in love with him. There were a few laughs before a moment of silence. That was when Whoopi Goldberg jumped in and admitted she definitely did. After another brief awkward pause the Lord sheepishly added that He too had a bit of a crush.

The rapid following that Obama receives from his supporters have led some to refer to his campaign as “cultish.” But can something be called cultish if God is part of it? While not a full endorsement, it never hurts to have the big guy upstairs on your side.

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The issue of age has become somewhat of a liability for Senator John McCain this election year. While his competitors have been somewhat mum on the issue, the media has continually questioned it. Is America really ready for the oldest man to ever become President? Meanwhile, one young person memorably asked McCain about his age and was responded to as “you little jerk.”

Now, unfortunately, God has even been drug into the ruckus. While appearing on The Dr. Phil Show, God addressed the issue of McCain’s age. “No, Phil, what I am saying is that people should not let age be a determining factor. After all, I’m a good six full weeks older than John McCain and no one seems to have a problem with my age!”

The repercussions were swift. Liberal blogs were filled with messages decrying McCain as “literally old as dirt.” Meanwhile, The New York Times looked for a way to amend their story concerning a supposed McCain affair using this new information. It appeared it might be a long night.

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A press conference was called by God today in White Plains, New York. During the thirty second prepared speech, the Lord succinctly noted, “Yes, I am still serious about all Ten Commandments.” With that, He left the press conference.

An Associated Press later caught up with God as he jogged through a local park. When asked to elaborate on his press conference He said, “I think maybe there’s been some confusion. I’m not sure exactly what the problem is. Maybe people don’t think some of the Commandments apply anymore, or maybe they don’t think they ever did?”

He was then asked if his comments came at this time directly in response to New York Governor Eliot Spitzer. “Sure, that gave me the chance to really speak out, but this has been going on for a while now. I can’t tell you the stuff I see daily. I’m so tired of hearing Las Vegas being called Sodom when there’s so much a better choice in Washington.” After a moment, the Lord added, “I kind of like Vegas, especially when the guys with the white tigers were there.”

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Much stink has been made about the Senator Hillary Clinton ad asking voters who they want answering the phone at 3 a.m. during an emergency. Clinton backers argue the ad cuts to the heart of the issue of Senator Barack Obama’s lack of experience, while Obama supporters claim it is fear mongering at its worst. God, for one, is annoyed that people’s first instinct is to call someone and not to pray.

Speaking with the Topeka Capital-Journal, the Lord stated, “It isn’t so much that I want people always turning to me. That’s why I don’t do the whole parting of seas bit anymore. Still, if there really is a national crisis, it might be nice for someone in the White House to think of asking me for help.”

God went on to state he holds no ill will toward either Democratic candidate. “Honestly, the past eight years I’ve had to change my number twice. Even when I did answer, it was always a one sided call.” He gave a thoughtful pause before adding, “Maybe not having someone calling all the time would be nice.”

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